Wednesday, February 13, 2019



1- Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest
and peace so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!

2- Husband texts to wife on cell..
“Hi,what r you doing Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair..”
Husband: “Bloody English Language!

3-Husband: ALLAH ne tumhein 2 aakhen di hain
chaawal se patthar nahi nikal sakti?
WIFE: ALLAH ne tumhe 32 daant diye hai
2-4 patthar nhi chaba sakte?

4- ek admi doston ki mehfil se raat late ghar gaya
dosto ne pucha k wife ne kuch kaha to nahi
admi bola nahi kuch khas nahi bus ye
2 dant to mai wesay bhi niklwane wala tha

5- Wife: Wo samay jo admi drink ker raha hai,
usko main nay 10 saal pehlay shadi k
liye inkaar kia tha.
Aaj tak sharab pee raha hay!
Husband: Wow! itni lambi celebration!

6- A beggar- ‘Oh sundari ! Andha hoon.
Sawa paanch rupya de de..
“Husband said 2 his wife- De de, tujhe
sundari bola hai to har haal mein andha hai…

7- Wo kia cheez hay
Jo biwi apnay husband ko sari umar nahi deti
Bar bar magney per bhi nain deti.
Aur yeh illegal bhi nain hy??
Come on yar?

8- Husband wife mein larai hoi,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,
Husb:Rat ko phone pay,”Khanay mein kia hai”
Husb:Mai dair se aonga, tum kha kar so jana:D

9- Ek admi aadi raat ko apni moti biwi se bola
k sisak sisak ke marna theek hai ya ek dum.
BIWI : Ek dum.
Aadmi : To apni dusri tang bhi mujh per rakh do.

Best Husband and Wife Jokes in English and Hindi
10 -Wife: Main tumhari yaad mein
15 din mein hi aadhi ho gayi hun,
mujhe lene kab aa rahe ho?
Husband: 15 din aur ruk jao…

11- Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. “Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.” The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. “What did the doctor say?” he asked. “I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”

12- Doctor: sorry , reports got mixed up.
We don’t know if your wife has AIDS or Asthma!

husband: What should i do now?

Doctor – Send her 4 jogging,
if she returns, don’t sleep with her!

13- The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

14- A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

Best Husband and Wife Jokes in English and Hindi
15- Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,
no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive

16-  After massive demand from all husbands…
A new app called,”Fear” is launched in IPHONE 7
You just say ,”Wife”
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hide all special folders
deletes chat history!

and best above all,
it puts your wife’s photograph as a wallpaper.

Best Husband and Wife Jokes in English and Hindi
17 – A man received d phone
from emergency room of hospital

Doctor: Your wife was in a fatal car
accident & I’ve bad n good news.
The bad news is,
She has lost both arms n legs n
will b on a respirator d rest of her life.

Man: 0h my God, whats the good

Doctor: I’m kidding, She is Dead…

18 – A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking
Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..

At The Club:
Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?

Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football With Him

Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything , He’s On The Darts Team
In My Local

Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again ?

The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

Driver Says “Hey Jimmy Boy ,
You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time..”

Jim’s Funeral Is On Sunday

Best Husband and Wife Jokes in English and Hindi
19 – Husband throwing knives on wifes picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her
“Hi,wat ru doin?”
His honest reply,”MISSING U”

20 – Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

Santa Banta Jokes- laugh

Santa:I want to surprise my girlfriend?
Banta :Do one thing !  Introduce her to your wife.

Banta: Explain Digestive System In One Sentence..!!
Santa: It's A Process That Starts Wid Right Hand &
       Ends Wid Left Hand......   

Santa : Jab me peta hua toh miltary walo ne
        20 top chalai thi.
Banta:  Kamaal hai ! sari ka nichana chook gya?   

Santa to shopkeeper: Dettol soap hai kya .
Shopkeeper (with finger inside nose ) : haan ji.
Santa : Toh Hath doh kar 250 gm chini dena .   

Santa and banta were watching cirket
Santa :kya goal mara hai
Banta : Abe ullu "goal " to cirket me hota hai.   

santa: samindar me dahi dal raha tha
banta:isi liye log humpe joke banate hay.
itni lassi tera baap piyega   

Sabziwala Sabzi Par Pani Chhidak Raha Tha
Kaafi Der ho Gayi to Santa pyar se bola-
Agar Sabzi ko HOSH Aa Gaya ho to Ek kilo De Do...   

Govt announced: Jinke 5 bacche hain, unhe
1 ghar denge.
Santa ke 3 the aur apne Wife se bola: Padosan
ke 2 bhi mere hi hain....unko le aao par Apne
3 kahan gaye?
Wife: Jinke the wo le gaye.   

Santa:Banta aaj meri Girl friend ka birthday hai.
      Use kya du..?
Banta:Dekhne me kaisi hai?
Santa:Mast hai..
Banta:Mera mobile number de de!   

 Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master
       ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one
he asked: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear
       nahin chahiye.
Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa:Aaj kisine mere BAAP ko gaali di.
Santa:Maine bhi uske baap ko gaali di.
Patni:Lekin wo kaun tha?
Santa:Mera BETA.. 

Santa's Army Test
Pappu- 3+5?
Santa- 8
Pappu- 7+3?
Santa- 10
Pappu- 8+8?
Santa- Pata nahi sir
Mere pass sirf 10 hi ungli Hai. 

Santa - My wife died yesterday..
I'm trying to cry but tears are not come out,
what to do?
Banta - No Problem.
Just Imagine she Came Back 

Santa : Yeah bacha tumhara kia lagta hai
Banta :yeah mera door ka bhai hai
Santa :door ka mein samjha nahin
Banta :Iske aur mere beech 8 behan bhai aur hai 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa :'Doctor ' mujhe har chez do dikhai deti hai
Doctor Aap charo ko yehi problem hai kya! 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa: Whose skeleton is that?
Banta: An old king's skeleton.
Santa: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Banta: That was same king's skeleton when he was
       a child." 

Teacher: Where were you born?
Santa : India
Teacher :which part?
Santa: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India . 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa: Beta ye kaisi machis lay kar
       aaye ho ek bhi nahi jal rahi
Son  : kya baat kartay ho pappa sub check
       kar kay laya hoooon 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Doctor : Your kidney has failed .
Satna : With low voice by how many number 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Teacher :which is the first silent hindi movie.
Santa : 'sir' if the movie was silent how
         it can be 'hindi ' movie.
first time santa rocks teacher shocks. 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Police: aapki car ki accident kaise hua?
Santa: woh to mujhe bhi pata nahi hai sir.
       tab main so rahaa tha? 
Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa: pata hai, bachpan mein mujhe ek bus ne zor
       se dakka maar diya tha.
Banta: baap re, tu mar gaya ke bach gaya?
Santa: mujhe yaad nahi hai. main tab 4 saal ka tha 
Joke :Santa banta joke

Santa: main england jaane ke baare mein soch rahaa hoon. Banta: bahut paise kharch hoga na. Santa: nahi banta, sochne ke liye paise kyu?

Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa: tumhaara beta bilkul tumhaara
       jaisa hi dikhtaa hai.
Banta: dheere se bol... woh padosi
       ka beta hai

Joke :Santabanta joke

Santa Sharab Pikar
Sadhu Se Takra Gya
Sadhu Gusse Me- Aye Murkh
Me Tujhe SHRAAP Deta Hu
Santa-Rukiye Maharaj
Me Glas Leke Ata hu

Joke :Santabanta joke

Techr: Tum late kyo aaye ho?
Santa: Mumy papa lad rhe the..
Techr: wo lad rhe the to tum kyo late aaye?
santa=mera 1 juta maumy k pass or Dusra papa k paas tha!..

Joke :Santabanta joke
Doctor:which soap u use?
santa: Bajrang soap,bajrang paste,Bajrang brush.
Dr.Is Bajrang an international company?
santa: No bajrang is my room Partner..

Santa: I’ve Been Sending E-mails To William Shakespare…
Banta: William Shakespare Is Dead, Stupid…
Santa: No Wonder He Hasn’t Replied As Well…

Santa: Yaar Uth Bhukamp Aa Raha Hai, Saara Ghar Hil Raha Hai.
Banta: Soja-Soja Ghar Girega To Makaan Maalik Ka, Hum To Kirayedar Hain..

SANTA Ghar Ka Darwaza Ukhaad Ke Kandhe Pe Rakh Ke Ja Raha Tha.
Kisi Ne Puchha: Oye Kahan Ja Rahe Ho?
SANTA:Chabi kho gyi h Taala Khulwanay ja rha hun……….

Santa: Should I Buy Tickets For My Children.?
Conductor: Yes! Only If They Are Above 8.
Santa: Thank God ,I Have Only 6 Children..!!

Salesman-Which Soap U Use?
Santa-BABA’S Soap,BABA’S Paste,BABA’S Brush.
Salesman-Is BABA’S
SAnta: Baba Is My Room Mate

Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa : Among My 4 Sons 3 R Engineers
Santa : Useles,Dnt Study, Becam A Barber
Frnd:Y ,Dnt U Throw Him Out
Santa : Coz He’s D Only 1 Who Earns..!

Joke :Santa banta joke
Judge: Y U’ve stolen money 4m dis man?
Sardar: My lord I’ve nt stolen money. He jst gave it 2 me
Judge: Whn He gave U money ?
Sardar: Whn I showd him gun

Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again.

Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa : Soch Raha Hu Ki USA Ghumaun,
Kitna Paisa Lagega?
Banta : Kuch B Nahi
Santa : Kaise?
Banta : Sochne K Liye Paise Nahi Lagte

Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa: Mujhe Shadi Me BMW Mili He.
Banta: Pr Tumhare Pass To Koi Car Nahi He!
Santa: Abye Ghadhe,
BMW Ka Matlab
Bahut Motti Wife

Joke :Santabanta joke
Preeto 2 maid:
Oh Kanta, I have 2 suspect that
Banta is having an affair with his secretary.
Kanta: I don’t believe it!
U r just trying 2 make me jealous.

Joke :Santa banta joke

Santa ne bhagte huye Bus pakdi aur Driver se puchha.
Bus teri Maa lagti he?
To kamine “PAKDNE” kyo nhi deta..

Joke :Santabanta joke

Santa Kadi-Chaawal Kha Raha Tha.
Khate-Khate Ek MAKKHI khaane pe Baithne Lagi.
SANTA Use Udate Hue Bola- Chal Pagli, Ye Wo Nahi Hai Jo Tu Samajh Rahi Hai..!

Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa: whats diffrence between Seniors & Juniors?
Banta: samundra k najdik rehte wo seniors (sea+nears)
jo Zoo k najdik rehte wo Juniors (Zoo+nears)

Joke :Santabanta joke
Sardar: Yaar ye “SENT MESSAGE” Kya hota he?
2nd sardar: Ghochu,
Saale, Bevkuf, Tune Hi Srdaro Ka Nam Kharab Kia He.
Sent Message Matlab “Khushbu Wala Message..

Joke :Santabanta joke
Teacher: Cow Hamari Mata hai.(School k bahar 1 Cow road pe ghum rhi thi)
Santa: Sir..Sir.. Baahar Aapki Mummy Awara “saando” k sath Ghoom Rahi hai

Joke :Santabanta joke
Jailor: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Jailor: Kyon has rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hoon!
Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella mein hole kyu?
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega.

Joke :Santabanta joke
Teacher: Translate – Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain.
Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.

Joke :Santabanta joke
Santa’s girfriend: Meri maa aapko bahut pasand karti hai.
Santa, after a deep thought: Kuchh bhi ho jaye, shaadi to main tujhse hi karunga!

Joke :Santa banta joke
Santa: Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18 yrs & marriage age 21yrs?
Banta: Govt. ko pata hai ki desh sambhalna aasan hai, lekin biwi ko nahi.

Joke :Santabanta joke
Banta: Pareshan lag rahe ho.

Santa: Yaar baap ban ne wala hu.

Banta: Yeh to khushi ki baat hai.

Santa: Lekin biwi ko nahi pata.

No comments:

Post a Comment